Style Conversational Week 1451: Get us rewrite The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week’s new contest and results Bob Staake's alternative sketch for this week's cartoon. I asked him if he was going to fill in the viewers' faces; I didn't get that it was a “buttface.” We went with an actual face. You can score this sketch — or any of hundreds of others from the Invite — for yourself at bobstaake.com/si. By Pat Myers Yesterday at 5:29 p.m. EDT 0 As I did four weeks ago for the “Plain English” contest whose results run today, I’m going way back in the Style Invitational archives this week to redo a classic. This time, for Week 1451, it’s “bad drafts of famous lines,” which my predecessor, the Czar, ran in Week 108, in 1995. Sometimes I decide I can’t rerun a contest because we did it already — could we really get a whole new, fresh set of results from the very same contest? For this one? Oh, sure: Your source material of “famous lines from history, literature or entertainment” is well nigh limitless; you could even use some of the quotes from before, as long as you take a significantly different tack. I quote several of the Week 108 inking entries as examples this week, and Bob Staake chose yet another of them for his cartoon. Here’s the complete set: First, the examples with the contest announcement April 9, 1995: Week 108: Near Misses “Please take my wife.” — Henny Youngman. “Let us go then, me and you … " — T.S. Eliot “The business of America is pig farming.” — Calvin Coolidge This week’s contest was proposed by John Mewshaw of Laurel, who wins a new name. Hahaha. Just kidding. John wins a joy buzzer. John suggests a contest to come up with the discarded first drafts of great lines in history or entertainment or literature; lines that almost made it, but not quite.” April 30, 1995: Report from Week 108, in which we asked you to come up with bad first drafts of famous lines in history, literature or entertainment. We hate to be gratuitously nice, but your answers were spectacularly good. Clapclapclapclapclapclap. Seventh Runner-Up [This was the Era of Super-Profitable Newspapers. The Czar could basically buy an unlimited number of prizes]: “Once upon a time there were four little rabbits, and their names were Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Adolf.” — Beatrix Potter (Jamal Jafari, Gaithersburg) Sixth Runner Up: “I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. And believe me, senator, you’re no friend of mine.” — Lloyd Bentsen (Paul Moran, Falls Church) Fifth Runner-Up: (From Week 108) (The Washington Psot) Fourth Runner-Up: “A rose is a rose, of course, of course.” — Gertrude Stein (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Third Runner-Up: “And God saw that it was scrumdiddlyumptious.” Genesis 1:10 (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Second Runner-Up: “The Giants win the NLCS! The Giants win the NLCS!” — Russ Hodges (Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) First Runner-Up: “You know how to whistle, don’t you? Juthst thtick two fingerth in your mouf like thith and blow.” — Lauren Bacall (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) And the winner of the World War II Plumber poster: “We hold these truths to be, like, Duuuh. . . .” — Thomas Jefferson (Joseph Romm, Washington) (Note: Mr. Romm has now won first prize for two consecutive weeks, the first time anyone has done this, according to the Official Style Invitational Historian, Elden Carnahan of Laurel. If Mr. Romm wins next week, we shall be forced to publish photographs of him in his underpants.) [He did not win the next week, alas. But a future “Ask Backwards” category was “Joseph Romm’s Underpants.”] Honorable Mentions: “The sled I had when I was a kid.” — Charles Foster Kane (Joseph Romm, Washington) “I want to hold your second mortgage.” — Lennon/McCartney (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) “Where have you gone, Joe Garagiola?” — Simon and Garfunkel (Joe Anderson, Alexandria) “Four more years! Or less if events force an early resignation!” — 1972 Nixon supporters (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) “Johnny's Heeeeeeeeeeere.” — Ed McMahon (Ira P. Robbins, Bethesda) “Good night.” — Gracie Allen (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) “How do I love thee? Let me get back to thee on that ..." — Elizabeth Barrett Browning (George Friedman, Towson) TRUMAN DEFEATS DEWEY — The Chicago Tribune (Gary Dawson, Arlington) “I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat and phlegm.” — Churchill (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) “Je suis un Berlinois” — John F. Kennedy (Michael Connaghan, Silver Spring) [A line from “Hamlet” in Russian) — But at the last minute, Will Shakespeare decides to write Hamlet in English. (Gil Renberg, Arlington) “Twas brillig, and the slithy toves/ Did gyre and gimble in the vabe ..." — Lewis Carroll. (Toby Bushkin, Arlington) (From Week 108) (The Washington Post) “There is a hemorrhoid growing on the presidency.” — John Dean (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) “Brevity is without doubt considered by many to be the soul of that attribute commonly considered 'wit.'" — William Shakespeare (Elliot Greene, Silver Spring) “Watson, help! I spilled something on my crotch!” — Alexander Graham Bell (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) “Bark!” — Sandy (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) “I float like a butterfly and sting like a really, really angry butterfly ..." — Muhammad Ali (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) “Get a grip, Virginia.” — The New York Sun (Jessica Steinhice, Washington) “Who's on first?” “Gehrig” “Oh.” — Abbott and Costello. (Jamal Jafari, Gaithersburg; also, Eric Ehrenberg, Washington) “Get the Cheez Whiz.” — Marlon Brando, in “Last Tango in Paris” (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) “This nation should commit itself to achieving the goal of sending a man — 'Bang! Zoom!' right to the moon.” — John F. Kennedy (Mike Collins, Dale City) “This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a kind of low whining sound.” — T.S. Eliot. (Joseph Romm, Washington) “Hey, Judge Ito, you mook, whatsamatta fo' you?” — Sen. Al D'Amato. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) “And that's the way it is. You got a problem with that, buttface?” — Walter Cronkite (David M. King, Washington) “This is your brain. And this is your brain in a frying pan …" (K. C. Bahry, Gaithersburg) “'Tis a far, far, far, far, far, FAR better thing I do than I have ever done ..." — Charles Dickens (Paul Moran, Falls Church) “E equals mc with a little 2 up in the air next to the c.” — Einstein (Bob Schlosser, Herndon) “I am SHOCKED! Shocked to find that some credit cards charge interest from the day of purchase!” — Capt. Renault (Albert Diaz, Rockville) (signed) John Q. Hancock — (Gary Patishnock, Laurel) Five years later, the Czar ran a similar contest, to ruin a famous quote by adding to it. A narrower scope than Week 108, but obviously lots of overlap — including in individual entries. Week XXIV: Coming to a Bad End [context examples] Call me Ishmael ——or Mike or Steve, but definitely not Hubert. It is a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known, thanks to NyQuil[reg] 24-Hour Cold Caps. Now is the winter of our discontent, having barely recovered from the autumn of our constipation. REPORT FROM WEEK XXIV, in which you were asked to ruin some great line of film or literature, by adding to it. [It was actually Week 357, not 24: When the Invitational returned from a few months’ hiatus in 2000, the Czar started counting all over beginning with Week I until he finally gave the idiocy up in Week CLXII in 2003; the week after that was Week 496.] Second Runner-Up: The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Of course, mouse plans aren’t that big a deal anyway. (Mike Genz, La Plata) First Runner-Up: Jesus wept buckets. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) And the winner of the foot-tall “fully poseable” Herbert Hoover doll: “Rosebud. It was my childhood sled, which represents the only time in my life I was truly happy and, in a larger sense, symbolizes the loss of innocence that almost inevitably accompanies the acquisition of power.”(Joseph Romm, Washington) [Hah! Joe Romm, who won the Week 108 contest with his play on the Declaration of Independence, wins it again by elaborating on the “Citizen Kane” joke that got him an honorable mention in 1995. Pay dirt!] Honorable Mentions: “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. Small world, eh?” (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) “The horror, the horror. It really gets to me, sometimes.” (Kelly Midgley-Biggs, Columbia) “You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. But if you want to play ‘Yummy Yummy Yummy’ on your armpit, you do this--” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) [This joke was pretty similar to Joel Knanishu’s in Week 108. I just showed the two to the Czar and asked if he’d have run this one had he remembered the first. Sure, he said: “I would have run both; no question. Yes, same joke engine, but different details. But most important, they are both funny AND FIVE YEARS APART. Who gives a rat’s patootie?” The Czar has a point: The readers in 1995 and 2000 weren’t reading one after the other, the way you are now. Still, folks: I don’t want to see these jokes showing up in Week 1451. There are lots of other quotes out there — and even significantly different potential approaches to the quotes that were used.] “You must ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? That is to say, do I, the punk, feel lucky? It’s irrelevant whether I, Dirty Harry, feel lucky.” (Joseph Romm, Washington) “Good night, sweet prince. Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite.” (Chris Doyle, Burke) “We’ll always have Paris. Except when the Germans are using it.” (Storm Marvel, Columbia) “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate. I mean, helloo-oooo.” (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) “Bond. James Bond. But please call me Jimbo.” (Storm Marvel, Columbia; Joe Anderson, Alexandria) “Stella! Stella! Bo Bella Bo Nanna Fanna Fo Fella Fee Fi Mo Mella, Stella!” (Joseph Romm, Washington) “Fourscore and seven years ago, which comes to, what, 87 years or so?” (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) “Friends, Romans, countrymen, ladies and germs . . . " (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) “Yes I said yes I will yes. Yes, already. How many times do I have to say it?” (Michelle Gluck and Walter Smith, Bethesda) “Use the Force, Luke, but only in moderation.” (Ben Aronin, White Plains) “We don’t need no steenking badges like we’re some sort of GS-12s.” (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) “One if by land, two if by sea, three to get ready . . . " (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, which must be followed by approximately 577,230 more steps.” (Chris Doyle, Burke) “Brevity is the soul of wit. In other words, effective writing should aim at using as few words as possible. The longer and more drawn out an explanation is, the less powerful and persuasive it is.” (Mike Genz, La Plata) “Shaken, not stirred. And with one of those little umbrellas.” (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington) “We hold these truths to be self-evident, and by ‘self-evident’ we mean . . . " (Joe Anderson, Alexandria) “How the mighty have fallen, and they can’t get up.” (Joe Neff, Oreland, Pa.) “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home. Although, actually, Nebraska is exactly like Kansas, except it has a unicameral legislature.”(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) “If you need me, just whistle. Or yodel. Or make that ‘Ook-ook-ook-ook ah-ah-ah-ah’ ape sound from any of those Tarzan films.” (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington) Truth is beauty; beauty truth. That’s all ye know and all ye need to know, ya know? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) The Uncle’s Pick [“The Uncle” was a fictional dim-bulb “guest judge” who’d either choose a corny entry and painfully explain it, or, as here, would fail to understand the point of the joke he’d “pick.” Some Losers got the joke so well that they’d send in entire Uncle entries complete with his comments; at least one high-ranking Loser, on the other hand, thought he was a real guy]: “Rosebud. It was my childhood sled, which represents the only time in my life I was truly happy and, in a larger sense, symbolizes the loss of innocence that inevitably accompanies the acquisition of power.” (Joseph Romm, Washington) The Uncle Explains: Kudos to Joseph Romm for finally explaining a very puzzling movie, indeed. Frankoly speaking: A new podcast episode Be sure to catch the latest half-hour episode of “You’re Invited”: This time, host Mike Gips chats with Super Incredible Loser Jesse Frankovich. Sample astonishment: Jesse writes a limerick about writing limericks — then rearranges every letter in that limerick to write another flawless limerick. Catch it at bit.ly/invite-podcast or on most podcast apps. Loserly translated*: ‘Plain English’ from Week 1447 *Non-inking headline by Gary Crockett A repeat, after a long absence, of our “Plain English” contest — to “translate” rosy platitudes, strip bare pretentious verbiage, or just point out someone’s outright lie — delivered lots of sly zingers in the results of Week 1447. The contest drew relatively few entrants and almost no brand-new ones, no surprise for a contest that asks you to comb through The Post or other publications for fertile material, not to mention one during peak vacation season. But numerous Losers sent long lists of cleverly snarky entries; my shortlist printout ran seven pages. Most people quoted The Post, or people quoted in The Post, but today’s inking entries also include material from the New York Times, various magazines, and, I’m always happy to see, local papers from around the country. It’s the ninth contest win — and the 232nd (and 233rd) blot of Invite ink — for Drew Bennett, who retired a few years ago as chancellor of Missouri State University’s West Plains campus. So it’s not surprising that he focused on some prime academese of “a systematic internationalization of the curriculum that infuses virtual exchange opportunities” — a college’s study-abroad program having to be done online this year. As we speak, Drew is moving to Arkansas; he just sent me a new mailing address. But it’s his first Clowning Achievement win, and so he’ll be able to adorn that brand-new mantel with that coveted Disembodied Clown Head on a Stick. Yes, even YOU are invited to the Flushies, Sunday afternoon, Sept. 19 Regardless of how much ink you have — or even if you have none at all but are just a fan of the Invitational — if you’ve found this column and have read this far down, you’re a member of the Loser Community in my book. So even if this Evite didn’t reach you by email, you’re hereby invited to the 25th annual Flushies, the Loser Community’s own awards/potluck/songfest/just-yakking; this year, because of You Know Why, we’ll be outside in the backyard of Loser Steve Leifer in Potomac, Md. Here’s the link to the Evite and most of the details — click on these words. If you weren’t on my invitation mailing list, you can still RSVP by clicking and saying Yes or Maybe. If your email address doesn’t contain your name, please leave your name in the comments or contact me directly so I’ll know who you are. If we don’t yet know each other, I’ll want to chat with you a bit before I give you the specific address, etc.